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so here we are

Welcome back to my blog! It has been quite some time since my last post. Nothing much has happened but at the same time, a lot has occurred. Last time I wrote, I was still coming to terms with the fact that I was accepted into university. Now, I have chosen all my classes for the university that I will attend in September.

Another big change is that I am officially done high school. I was able to get above 90% in all of my courses this year so I’m really proud that I didn’t die halfway through or give up. I just find it amazing that I was able to power through the incredibly poorly-planned year. In every event that was planned, something went wrong or had to be adjusted to avoid a massive problem. I guess these types of things are inevitable and should be expected because anything can happen.

My leaving ceremony occurred in the middle of a massive record-breaking heat wave. The day before my ceremony, it was 42 degrees Celsius! It was a terrible experience and I hope it never happens again but with the rate of climate change and all that is not being done in the world, I will most likely experience something similar again in the near future. Anyway, it was 38 degrees during my ceremony. I still had to wear the robe and all and the teachers and admins were all very alert for any students or staff who may have been on the verge of heat stroke. While I waited in line, I was very sweaty and they asked me if I was okay and if I needed a drink of water. I declined but kept fanning myself with my certificate folder. I found that I got a plaque for a service award and two scholarships. One was from the school’s Parent Advisory Council and the other was from the photography studio that works with the school and for my work on the school’s yearbook. That was fun! These were monetary so it helps me for next year.

Speaking of next year, I cannot imagine myself in university. It doesn’t seem impossible and I think that I can do it. There are so many things to do on my own and there are so many things to keep track of. I have yet to do so many things. I need to get better at taking initiative and prioritizing things correctly in my life. That will require some more confidence and courage which will take time. I don’t really want to spend time trying to do that because I don’t know how to do it. Do I have to fake it ’til I make it? I’m not sure. Do I need to actually believe in myself? I don’t think I can. Either way, I’ll just go in blindly and hope for the best. That doesn’t sound like a good plan, haha. I will do my research, prepare for all scenarios, and then simply do my best. The worst possible outcome is… that I fail. Which then means that I will have to try again.

I think I am thinking myself in circles again. I will be okay this year. Anyhow! There is only one more full month left before I start panicking about physically going to university. I want to make plans with my old classmates but I am terribly too awkward to reach out. I promise I will soon. After I recover. From my second vaccination and pain from being a female. Great times.

Other than my transition into university, I hope the world is doing okay (based off of the news, it ain’t). The Olympics are a good distraction from world issues. Watching the Olympics reminds me that I should start training for table tennis try-outs at the university soon. There are only a few more months and I haven’t touched a racket in yet another year. I’m going to be terrible at it when I start again which only means that I will have to try again at all the skills and techniques. I guess everything in this post is about trying things again if it doesn’t work the first time. Here’s to attempt 3!

Happy End of July. Enjoy the summer. Eat good food! Have fun!

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an accomplishment

Actually, I have accomplished a few things this year already.

My most important accomplishments thus far are SFU and UBC offers. For some reason, I thought it would be difficult to get in but I was told that it is easier to get in than to graduate. This means that I should double (maintain?) my efforts in university. Anyways, I’m quite excited to get out of high school. I think I just really want to leave the environment with the same few people. Perhaps I just want to go to a new environment and meet new people to see what happens. I want to experience something new and I want to move on to the next part of my life.

My more minor accomplishments include: a great English mark, a wonderful Literature mark, a very high Human Geography mark, and a completed Yearbook cover. I also got bonus marks on a summer project I did for Biology. That made me feel good. I like praise. 🙂

There have been some changes with how I am feeling with regards to AP exams. The AP Biology exam date was announced and I will only have 6 weeks of instructional time with the course before the exam. So, I either self-study beforehand or I don’t do it. I don’t think it’s worth it so I asked the office for a refund and it was done.

I find that I am always unsure. I am unsure about everything. I am not even sure if that sentence was necessary. However, I have been very decisive at school regarding the yearbook. I have a lot of complaints regarding yearbook. I have a lot on my mind these days. Why should people ‘put up’ with an uncomfortable situation? If something is making you uncomfortable, you should speak up and let others know. If something isn’t quite right, make it so that it is better. If something is out of your control, then do something that you have control over that will make yourself feel better. Why must people 忍 uncomfortable situations and environments?

So, recently I have been doing what makes me feel better about my situation. Although things may get awkward and uncomfortable at times, I face situations that I have to face and get them over with. I do things that make me feel better and things that will make things better in the long run. However, I get stuck in the process. Sometimes I don’t know how to make things better. I want things to get better but I don’t know what to do. Anyways, I am taking more initiative than I have before so I think this is a good start. I used to being quite passive so I think this is already a lot.

In other news (although still related to school, as that is the only thing going on, ever), spring break is coming up and there are three more months of high school. Spring break reminds me of what happened last year. How interesting… time passes so quickly. I have to do a project over the break, prepare for a deadline, study for an exam, and preview a course. I hope I do what I just mentioned. Last winter break, I did absolutely nothing. I will regulate myself better this time. 2 weeks is very short, after all.

For now, I will try my best to complete my job and make things better than they are right now. Until next time!

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20→21

Happy New Year. I hope this year brings happier times. As always, I am going to reflect on my resolutions, write about how 2020 went for me, and maybe even make new goals.

Last year, I made 3 resolutions. Let’s see how they’ve gone:

  1. Stay on task. Close other tabs when there is a deadline. Resist the urge to check the phone.
    • This is hard to measure, but I have done everything on time and I don’t think I’ve had any issues with getting an assignment completed. I may have procrastinated a few times, but I still left enough time for my work to be completed and to be of good quality.
  2. Exercise certain areas at least twice a week.
    • Why did I word this in this way? Basically, I think I meant that I wanted to stay in shape. Well, due to the pandemic, I stopped having practice every week and I stopped walking around at school. I’m still relatively in shape (I actually lost a bit of weight but I think that was all muscle mass) but of course, there are areas of improvement.
  3. Clean my room and desk regularly.
    • I actually did this one recently! I kept my desk clean most of the time. Last week, I moved all my stuff to my bedroom instead of where I was before. So everything is tidy as of right now.

Solid. I’ve done them all and I should continue to work hard to maintain these habits.

A lot happened in 2020. I did a lot of work last year. I did well in my grade 11 year so I’m very proud of myself. My first class of grade 12 also went by pretty well. I plan on continuing to do my best for my work and hopefully, I do not burn out or get super sad again. I like to watch dramas to stop worrying about stuff so I think I’ll be fine. I recently watched something really good with my sister so we will be okay for now. I applied to universities and for scholarships so I hope I hear back from them soon. I keep checking to see if they have finished with my application or something but I think I’m thinking too much about it. I should focus on finishing grade 12 first!

Anyway. It’s 2021, so that means I graduate high school this year. I should be able to get through that alright. I kind of want to go on a grad trip during the summer but who knows what the world will be like then. Who knows if anyone will want to go anywhere with me (other than a family trip, maybe having a friend trip will be fun, I don’t know). I will make some small goals for this year:

  1. Do well in the rest of my classes and do my best in every class.
  2. Focus on myself. Do what I want to do.
  3. Be tidy and keep being organized. Sleep and get up earlier.

That’s about it. I hope I make better memories this year and that I get through it well. Until next time!

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a very merry christmas

Happy Holidays! It’s Christmas, which means gifts and a feast. Christmas also takes place during the winter break, so I’ve been just chilling at home.

During the past month or so, I’ve completed my English course with a very high mark, finished part of the yearbook, and done well in my second course of the year. I feel like I’ve accomplished quite a bit. I also applied to universities and scholarships. So far, I’ve been rejected by a scholarship thing. It is one of the more competitive ones so I’m not surprised by this outcome. I would be more surprised if I was accepted.

Since it is Christmas, I should think more positively. My family and I got up at around 11am to open presents. That was pretty nice and fun because my brother was extremely pumped. He’s been pumped since… the beginning of December. Which is good, but he’s kind of annoying…

Anyway, I got a scarf, a tuque, some chocolates, a sweater, and a nice pen. Pretty solid stuff. 🙂 Now I can smell the lamb shank my dad is making. Smells great. Merry Christmas!

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[insert synonym for respond]

I’m 17 now.  Actually, I’ve been 17 for 22 days. Ain’t that wild. Apparently, my age is surprising to many people. My parents weren’t prepared for my growth. My sister can’t believe I’m taller than her. My brother… to be honest, I don’t know what his thoughts are on this topic. Office ladies at school think I’m older than I actually am. I think I’m just me. It doesn’t really matter how old I am. I’m still me from the day before.

School is all I have been doing. School is all I can do right now. I’ve been putting a lot of effort into my one class: English Literature and Composition. I think I made too many mistakes. Papers and essays are difficult to write. My brain is getting slower and slower. My memory is getting worse. I’m getting more tired. I get more tired with every passing day. School is sucking the life out of me but universities are trying to promise a future. University applications are coming along. Scholarships are a lot of work. I hope I can get into universities. I think I can.

I think I use the words “I think” too often. Do I really think? We don’t know. I think I think. I should write something about this! An essay! For my portfolio! I’m just kidding, I already have enough work to do. Speaking of work, I’m not doing it right now. Procrastination is happening whether or not I want it to happen. I’ve been working on my procrastination habits. I think I’ve been quite efficient this year. Other than… my term paper. I procrastinated on that for a long time. Nevertheless, I got it done and it’s handed in on time.

The month of October was spent on AP Lit and Yearbook. It was the beginning of getting organized. September was very confusing. I was still adjusting to my new schedule. Nothing happened in October. I turned 17. I took graduation photos. I went shopping for dresses for that. Can you imagine that? Now, it is November and this first quarter of school is coming to an end. I’m going to do my homework now. Until next time.

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eye bags and hand sanitizer

Those are the two most memorable things from the past 6 months. I have some very prominent eye bags.

Grade 12 has begun and I only have one class for the next couple of weeks. Despite having only one class officially, I have to figure out how to do the school yearbook right now. Hopefully, we can finish ours this year. There are a lot of ideas and there’s a lot to do.

I feel very drained already. It has only been 2 weeks since classes began. I’m very tired. I began waking up earlier in the day so I can get my work done and then do my university and scholarship applications. I’m trying to be a bit healthier (?). For example, I’m sleeping slightly earlier and waking up earlier. I prioritize, use a binder, have a planner (that I actually use), and keep myself organized.

I always have this feeling in the back of my head, telling me that sometime soon, my organized facade is going to crumble and I’m going to fall behind. I feel like I am usually someone who is not very put-together. I am usually someone that is frazzled when there are too many things happening at once. I’m trying my best to have my stuff together and be organized. Once I get home, I feel all the stress, pressure, and tiredness come all at once. I’ve gotten very close to crying yesterday. I didn’t even have a valid reason.

Anyway, I will get through this somehow. As I always do.

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no problem

School ended about a month ago. Grade 11 has ended on an uneventful note. Quietly, school is over and summer vacation has begun. All that is happening, is happening in my head.

These days, my head feels quite stuffy. Not in a sick way, but in a more ‘brain space’ way. I feel like I am running out of space in my brain for thoughts. To be honest, I felt that way for the entirety of this year. I just completed assignment after assignment without having the brain capacity to think about myself. For the past 4 months, I have spent most of my time at home, laying down for hours on end. Just kidding. However, I have been spending more time laying in bed before actually getting up. I spend an average of an hour in bed from the moment I crack open my eyes to the moment I leave for the washroom. I realize that that is not very productive.

This past week, I’ve been able to let some steam out. It had been building up for a long time, probably since the beginning of this year.

2020. Very interesting year for everyone I believe. I think the main reason for my stress these days is because of Grade 12. I very much dislike my school’s environment. All the students do is compare, brag, and complain. It’s incredibly annoying, toxic, and depressing, so I try not to participate and I try to tell the people around me not to. Or change the subject because I can’t change others. Anyway. I was going to say something about grade 12. I can’t remember what it was though.

These past 4 months was a good break from that school environment. I got to take a break from people. It was a much-needed break and I will have to take some time to readjust to school when it starts. Anyhow, I will be moving on if I want to or not. Until next time!

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no pressure

I don’t know how this happened but it is May now. I forgot to write for the entirety of April. March felt like the longest month of my life, April felt like the shortest month, and May is here… also passing by quickly. I have many assignments to complete every week and I have to study for my upcoming AP exam.

I think I’m giving myself more pressure than there actually should be. A lot of my assignments have flexible due dates so it doesn’t matter if I hand it in late. I just dislike how the text turns red when something is past due. I cram my homework in on one day because I sleep in and procrastinate. Honestly, my sleep and work schedule needs some tweaking.

Schoolwork is very boring. There is only one class I am a bit interested in and I have completed my work for it. All my other classes are academic and not much fun. I want to do something fun and more engaging than what I am doing currently. I understand that I shouldn’t go outside right now but I kind of want to. The weather seems nice, although there was a hailstorm yesterday after a large shower of rain. Aside from that, it’s been sunny and there was a weather forecast that said to expect the temperatures to go up.

I go through a cycle of sleeping in, doing homework, playing games, doing more homework, and staying up late playing games or cramming in the work that I had pushed to the side to play games earlier in the day. I’m working on changing that but it’s too comfortable when I wake up in the afternoon. I’m going to need more self-control.

Well then, until next time. Hopefully things will get better soon.

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iNtErEsTiNg

The first month of 2020 was quite interesting.

As the year goes on, more and more bad things are coming up. Maybe I am just starting to realize that the only things that are news-worthy and help news companies make money are reports about events that threaten the well-being of the readers. Articles with headlines that draw people in with adjectives that seem to make the situation worse than it actually is, is causing some worries in my area.

Anyhow, I’m trying to focus my worries on my future. I get depressed when reading the news. I get depressed when I think about course selection. I guess I don’t have a lot to be happy for right now. I spend my spare time, or time while procrastinating, watching random dramas that are more exciting than my life right now. Perhaps it is more interesting than my entire life.

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New Year’s Resolutions 2020

Shall I go over last year’s resolutions? I think I did a review half-way through the year as well. So maybe I’ll go through the midway ones. Grey is the original resolution. Blue is the comment that I made in June. Black is me Right Now.

  1. Arrange work in a more organized way (actually follow a schedule!)
    I like to think that I have organized my work in relatively well order. However, I have placed myself in a hard position where assignments were slightly piling up and I was stressing myself out.
    I have begun to prioritize things. There’s no specific order. I think I still need to figure out a better system though. To keep my desk less cluttered.
  2. Be more outgoing! Maybe do some work experience this year…
    I did and am doing work experience. I also went outside more often with classmates. I made more friends this year. Very good!
    I went places with my friends in 2019. Fun! Became better friends with some people and learned how to talk in a better way to people.
  3. Try to… have more self-awareness?? Also be more aware of others and where I am among them.
    I seem to be too aware these days. I am too wary of myself ad my actions. Kind of tiring but it helps me understand others better. Others are also humans and have feelings and are unpredictable (as much as I’d like to predict other people…)
    I am more aware. And I have developed a voice that I use specifically when ordering things and talking to teachers.
  4. Draw, read, and write more often to keep the creative process ongoing.
    I drew throughout the year in art class and in English. I went to the library more often this year and read more books. I still have more books that I want to read. I also have many ideas for things to write about. I will get to them after summer vacation is fully in swing.
    In the first half of the year, I was more creative. In the second half, I was more occupied. I also did not take an art class. Will work on this one more.
  5. Put more effort towards friends. (For example: go out with them, help them, be more caring, talk to them more, etc.)
    I WENT OUT TODAY WITH FRIENDS. I realized that I am accidentally in many friend groups at once. Tiring as well… That’s not their fault, it’s my own for thinking too much probably.
    I have narrowed down my friend group. I don’t know if I really have any friends, but I think I have at least one.
  6. Be more mature (how vague…) and think more before acting. Think about the consequences, how my action can affect others, and how I feel.
    I think I think a lot more now. A lot more.
    Lots think. Yes.
  7. Improve handwriting. Printing. I don’t know, just more… good-looking.
    I completely forgot about this one and I actually think that my printing has gotten worse.
    My printing has gotten better, to be honest. More neat and… I don’t know, mature? 
  8. Exercise more. Go for runs, practise more table tennis (maybe arrange for more practices??), and do stretches and other exercises more regularly.
    I play table tennis for four hours at a time. I should do other exercises too.
    I still play a lot of table tennis.
  9. Plan ahead. Like… uh… Watch out for deadlines and get things done ahead of time so that I have time to look things over and get things done to the best of my ability.
    Kind of redundant to be honest. This one is like number 1. Still needs some work, just like everything else.
    Currently working on it.

Maybe I should make fewer resolutions. Perhaps I’ll go about growth in steps. Smaller steps.

  1. Stay on task. Close other tabs when there is a deadline. Resist the urge to check the phone.
  2. Exercise certain areas at least twice a week.
  3. Clean room and desk regularly.

That’s it. Start small I guess. 2020. We’ll see how it turns out.